say my name say my name

Sometimes I pretend that I am best friends with Beyoncé.

When I do this, I like to try out my cool hip-hop vocabulary. I say things like fo shizzle! and all up in ma grill! to Sam. Every time I say these types of phrases, he tells me I am not allowed to do so anymore. And he winces visibly. (Wuz yo prob, homie?) I'll admit I couldn't name a single Jay-Z song before I got married (actually I don't think I know the names of his songs now, but at least I recognize them). Why should that mean I can't express myself in the beautiful language of gangsta America? I'm also not supposed to say gangsta but who made Sam the expert? Ha, Mr. Grew-up-in-the-tomato-capital-of-the-world! I do what I please! Foo! 

The reason I pretend I am best friends with Beyoncé is because she is literally the coolest person in the world. Name me one person who doesn't like Beyoncé. Ok, there might be one weirdo in the world who doesn't like her, but name me ten. Exactly. The woman is fierce! Sasha Fierce! I wish I had a brazen stage name like that. I would use it whenever I had to teach Primary to psych myself up for the Sunbeams. You don't scare me, screaming child! I'm Sasha Fierce! I bet Beyoncé would totally go by Sister Fierce if she taught Primary.

Plus, not only is she totally gorgeous and talented, but I hear she's all into service and her church and all sorts of good stuff. Every VH1, MTV, and E! special I've ever seen about her (many!) has interviews with Kelly Rowland gushing about how B is the sweetest person in the world. I totally pretend that I call her B, too. And B calls me K and we paint each others' nails and braid each others' hair. And it's totally not creepy at all.

What I really need here is an in. Is anybody connected with Beyoncé at all? Want to hook me up? I just know that once she meets me, we'll be totally BFF. Do you think she googles herself and finds obscure blog posts about her and that this one has intrigued her? Because I totally think that's a possibility.

At this point, I have used the word "totally" six times. And when my gushing gets to the point where I use it seven times, it's totally time to stop.